Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Clean


"... Ten months sober, I must admit just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it. Ten months older I won't give in. Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it."

(Metaphorically sober that is.)

I haven't allowed myself to write in quite sometime. Whether it was the fear of what I had to say or didn't have to say is still unclear to me. All I know is that the Natalie I was ten months ago is not the same girl typing here.

I was living a safe life. A life that I created for myself with a routine I was familiar with. It seemed easy enough. I worked a lot. However, it was not work that I enjoyed. I kept to myself. Slept a lot. I was okay. Just okay. And okay doesn't mean happy.

It all changed when I took a trip to Montreal with my best friend, Maggie, last July. I was reminded of what having fun actually felt like. I let lose. Laughed. Took risks. I met some incredible people that continue to impact my life to this day. It was the beginning of a new chapter to a book that I hadn't let myself open.

I slowly allowed myself to feel again. To want things and go after them. I mean that in every possible way from my career to what I chose for breakfast. It was a huge awakening for me. I had become accustomed to that robotic-like state when I left New York City and moved back home, but I was starting to let that mundane slip away.

When I made the choice to move back to New York I wasn't scared like last time. I was thrilled and worked my ass off until I had enough money to move. There was a motivation that I couldn't find before. I gave myself permission to be happy and work harder on avoiding the darkness.

A lot has happened to me in my life that fed into that darkness. It ranged from friends, loss, betrayal, and fear of what others thought of me. I let those aspects of my life consume me until I was basically a shell of myself. The dark thoughts come and go now. I've gotten better to keep them at bay.

I finally feel clean, as  if I showered away all those worries and problems. I can breathe again. My life isn't perfect, but it is happening and that's all that matters. I feel... good. And I don't feel guilty saying that.

I want to thank all of the people in my life  who helped me get to this point. You know who you are, and without your help I don't think I could have made it to this state. I can go further now, and I won't risk going backwards.

Til next time,

Nat

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