Tuesday, December 29, 2020

'Tis the Damn Season

Day four.  Been in the same sweatsuit and fuzzy robe. I go back to work tomorrow, and it doesn't feel like the holidays at all. Makes sense considering the rest of the year.

The dread was felt all year, but something about the "holiday season" made everything feel 100x worse. I know when most people think of this time, it's associated with family, travel, and lots of food. Well too damn bad because we are in a global pandemic.

How did I "celebrate?"

Didn't leave my apartment. Accidentally finished a bottle of wine by myself and went to bed before my Chinese food arrived. That's the spirit, am I right?

But ya know what? I didn't wake up with a hangover and had leftover Chinese for the next day. If that's not a Christmas miracle, I don't know what is. 

What did I take away from all this? Adjust my expectations (lower them, if you will). Embrace the outcome the best I  can. Is it actually working? I don't know yet. But I am writing today and drinking coffee rather than wine... so I'd say I'm doing better than I was four days ago.

With the New Year just days away, I'm going to stick to this strategy. Keeping my expectations low, but still having some hope for better days. Not just for me, but for everyone. Hope for good health, jobs, and some sense of security back in our lives. 

Til next time, 


Thursday, April 9, 2020

What Now?

This morning while I was cutting up fruit for my oatmeal, I found myself choking back tears. Not my usual morning ritual, but I couldn't ignore what I was feeling.

Yesterday Bernie Sanders dropped out of the 2020 Presidential Race. The only man  who wanted to fight for us. What now?

Well look around. We are in the midst of a  global pandemic. Roughly 16 million people in our nation are out of work, which also means losing their heathcare coverage. And that's not including those whose suffered pay cuts and can no longer afford their private heath insurance ( I.E. people like me). 

And were we, as a nation, ready for this pandemic? Abso-fucking-lutely not. In 2018, our current president of the United States proprosed to CUT funding for the  Center of Disease Control and Provention (CDC).  He may not have received approval for the exact percecntage he proposed, but cuts were still made. Why? To allocate more money for corrupt government contracts. Couldn't possibly be to save considering the national debt keeps rising at an unsustainable rate (looking at you fiscally conservative republicans, lol)... Cutting social programs does not save money when we're wasting trillions on phony no bid contracts. Immediate and self profit over the health of our nation is the status quo.

I want to believe our Federal Government is currently making it's "best efforts" to handle this terrible situation, but come on. I also want to believe one day I'll be able to fly.

I am tired. Tired of rich-entitled white men making decisions that won't affect them (or others like them) personally. I am also angry. Angry that we sit around and let this happen. Yeah, people claimed Bernie was a "radical" choice for United States President, but he was willing to fight for the people.  

I don't know what the election of 2020 will hold for us, but I am scared. Scared for myself, for others out there like me, and those suffering worse. 

So I sit here and ask myself again, "What now?"

Til next time, 


Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Email FAIL

I recently read a Buzzfeed acticle that had me LOLing.

"19 Emails I Can't Believe Students and Professors Actually Sent Each Other."

Let's make that number an even 20.

My junior year of college I was taking a psychology course. We had an assignment to write a paper using the knowledge we learned in class and apply it to the work place. I found a great article that I was super stoked to use as my reference. Couldn't wait to send it to my professor.

I was confused by his response. "Am I missing something from this article?" Oh, did I mention that I was also on Facebook at the time? Nope? Well this is the "article" I ACTUALLY sent to my professor. 

A lookbook of over 90 styles by Ariana Grande. AND my phone screen was broken so I couldn't even email him back until the next day. So my professor assumed that all I learned in class was how perfect Ariana Grande is. 


Til next time, 


Thursday, October 17, 2019

Dear Taylor, Love Me

Dear Taylor,

I can't believe it's time to purchase tickets for your Lover Tour. Your albums and concerts are a form of therapy to me, and seeing Lover live seems almost too good to be true.

Each album release perfectly aligned with milstones in my life. As you grew, so did I.  

I'll never forget the first time I heard "Tim McGraw." I was hopeless-romantic-naive twelve year old girl with fantasies of love, heartbreak, and making those memories of my own. I was babysitting when the music video realeased. I sat there and cried, not even knowing who you were yet, but so mesmerized by your honest lyricism. I felt every word you sang, even though I hadn't experienced anything close to heartbreak yet in my life. I knew from that moment on that your music spoke to me. I couldn't wait to hear more. 

When Fearless came out, I was just starting high school.  This new and exciting chapter was ahead of me, and I listened to this album every morning while getting ready for school. I was finally experiencing the lyrics you sang about. I was fifteen with all these new, exciting ideas filling my head. That year I learned a lot, and "White Horse" helped me through my very first heartbreak. 

Two years later, Speak Now came into my life. I was no longer that naive little girl, but a sassy teenager who would blast "Better Than Revenge" on every car ride.  You showed me that it's okay to speak (and sing) what's on your mind. I was coming into my own, just like you were. 

I had just begun my college career when Red was released. I watched the leaves change on my campus while I listened to you sing about them. I was trying to find myself and never related to a lyric more than your "All Too Well" lyric "...I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it." I was struggling with romance, but so were you so I did not feel so alone. I balled my eyes out at this concert. 

As I entered my junior year of college, 1989 came out. You were trying something different while still being true to yourself, and I could relate to that. I was experimenting with my acting and didn't want to do what was always expected of me. I was thinking of my future career more and more every day, and "Welcome to New York" made me excited as ever to move there. I devoutedly listened to that album all year. With my end of my longest and most serious relationship, "Clean" became my anthem. I had lost my my first true love, but was finding myself.

Your Reputation album couldn't have come at a better time. I was under a lot of pressure my last two years of college, and I left there feeling ruined. My repuation was tarnished from endless gossip, rumors, and misunderstandings. I was angry and vengeful. I wanted to act out against those who hurt me, but instead I screamed the lyrics of "Look What You Made Me Do" and let that be my catharsis. Seeing you fight back against haters gave confidence again. I felt like my old self was also dead, and took that time to work harder to get closer to my goals. The concert was an unforgettable experience. 

And then came Lover. Ah sweet Lover.  By the time this album came out, I was back to my old self. My anger had disipated, and like you, I felt like I found "Daylight." The harm that others had caused me became a distant memory ("I Forgot That You Existed"). I finally made that move to New York City and began a new life with my own lover. He understands me and loves me-flaws and all. I never knew a love like this could exisit, but you were right- it is golden. 

So thank you, Taylor, for giving me the gift of your music. Your words and stories have paralled my life and made me feel like someone understands. You continue to inspire me everyday. I pray that you see this one day. I want you to know how much I apprecite you and your music. Continue making your magic.

I can't wait to see you again, let's hope I get the tickets today!

Much love, 

Natalie Marie Walsh 

Thursday, October 10, 2019

World Mental Health Day

I would like to start this post with "Happy World Mental Health Day!" but I know mental health is not always happy. I am happy that this day exists, though. We as a society need to be reminded of the importance of mental health. With 1 in 4 people on this earth suffering, we need to talk about it more. 

There is so much that I want to say on this topic, but I don't know where to start. I've been battling mental health issues since I was 11 years old. I was a relatively "happy" kid on the outside, but deep down I had dark thoughts. Thoughts of ending my own life. Why? I don't know. I couldn't control them. I would go from playing outside with my friends to fantasizing about drowning in the bathtub. I would experience terrible aniexty that I would just explain as "stomach aches." I grew up with loving family and friends, but even so I still felt alone. 

I didn't tell anyone about these thoughts until I was 18 years old. Seven whole years I suffered in silence. Why? Because I was ashamed. I didn't think anyone else in the whole world could feel how I was feeling. Of course, I was wrong. Depression and anxiety creep into millions of people's lives, and a lot of them hide it like I did. 

Why was I depressed? I still don't know exactly. Sometimes it's caused by life events and other times it is just the genes you are born with. 

So what did I do once I figured out it was depression? I sought help. Councelors, doctors, friends, and family.  Did it go away? Hell no. But it did get better. I realized that I was not alone in this battle. I didn't have to hide anymore. And that realization probably saved my life. 

So here I am, at age 26, still living with a mental health disorder. I take medications that lessen my symtpons, and I am not ashamed of that. There will be bad days, but I know the good ones shine brighter. I understand it is a journey. My journey. 

So why am I sharing this? In hopes that someone out there reading will share their journey as well. Mental health should never be ignored or pushed aside. If we talk about it, people will listen. 

Til next time, 


Thursday, October 3, 2019

Helpful Hobbies

Well I survived. I was nervous, but I did it. The morning after my last post, I went to the park with my boxing team for a workout. So, I got my human interaction and something more important.

It led to me boxing everyday that week. I was still a little lonely, but a lot less. Doing something physical completely shifted my focus. I was no longer consumed by my thoughts. And when it was time for bed, I was so physically exhausted that I just passed out without the help of my dear friend melatonin.

I'm learning a valuable lesson: the importance of having a hobbie. One besides reading and binge watching Netflix. And also a hobbie that's not directly related to my career path. As much as I love my day job and acting, I sometimes need an escape. I am the kind of person who overworks, and when I'm done it feels like there is nothing left. Well now there is. There's boxing. Something I can focus on while I'm there and practice in my free time.

It's helping tremendously with my anxiety as well. The workout is both physically and mentally intense. It's a learning process. I feel my body and mind getting stronger. Insecurity plays such a big part of my anxiety, but as my confidence in boxing grows, so does my confidence in everyday life.

For those of you out there looking for an escape too, I highly recomend taking up a physical hobbie. Dance, yoga, boxing, volleyball, running- anything. Especially that sport you always thought of trying, but was intimidated by. If it can help crazy ole me, it will certainly help you.

Til next time,


Saturday, September 21, 2019

Cheese Sticks and Melatonin

 Okay I lied. I’m not so good at being on my own. I never went on that self date and I’m afraid it’s not as easy as it was the first few days. 

I feel incredibly lonely. I work by myself during the day and go home to an empty house at night. It’s a terrible feeling, too much solitude. I’m craving true human interaction. 

It was nice having “me time” in the beginning. The quiet soothed me. I enjoyed the being with my own thoughts and surroundings. Now it haunts me. Lurks in the corner and demands to be heard. Or not heard, I suppose. 

It consumes me. Every fiber. There’s no energy left for me to do anything else, but feel it. My hunger dissipates and my body feels weak. All I can do is sleep for now. Sleep will help. It always does. 

I look forward to bedtime because that means I’m closer to tomorrow. Closer to a new day. Closer to Jesse coming home. It seems brighter. 

So finish my dinner of string cheese and top it off with melatonin. 

Tomorrow is brighter. Tomorrow I will be stronger.

Til next time,